JOKES

Jokes - E-mail fun

Most of these jokes I received through e-mail, mostly from a teacher called Agnes, who probably has enough funny material to publish an encyclopedia of jokes! Do you know these ones?

Degrees of BLONDNESS

First Degree

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Second Degree

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Third Degree

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Fourth Degree

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

Fifth Degree

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

Sixth Degree

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman."

The LOST CHAPTER of GENESIS

So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will have your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion >whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" The rest is history.

QUIZ: Are you a competent professional?

This quiz consists of four questions that tell whether or not you are a qualified, competent professional. The answers are below and there is no reason to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

(Think!)

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put the giraffe in and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated manner.

2) How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(C'mon, use your brain!)

Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

(Use your logical mind! You can do it!!!)

Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This question tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

4) There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

( All you need it to )

Correct answer: Simply swim across. There cannot be any crocodiles in the river as they are all attending the animal conference. The question tests your reasoning ability.

RESULTS:

4 correct answers: You are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.
3 correct answers: You have some catching up to do, but there is hope for you.
2 correct answers: If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper.
1 correct answer: Try selling some of you organs. It's probably the only way you'll ever make some money.
0 correct answers: If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental function at all, such as politics.

In the world of Globalization

These were some fiascos relating to poor translation skills in the globalized world. Some lessons here when marketing in the Global economy!

1. GM tried to market the "Chevy Nova" in Central and South America. The only problem, of course, is that "No va" means"it doesn't go" in Spanish.

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang in German for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

7. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

8. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

MASCULINE OR FEMININE

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN.............

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

And this one is about stereotypes:

THREE GOOD POINTS...

There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone "brother"; 2. He liked Gospel ; 3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business; 2. He lived at home until he was 33; 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then, there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut his hair; 2. He walked around barefoot all the time; 3. He started a new religion.

But then, there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married; 2. He was always telling stories; 3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all--3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He had to feed a crowd in a moment's notice when there was no food; 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it ; 3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do. AMEN!

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